Why Corn?

By The Reverend Mrs. Silence DoGood

Dear Editor,

The first thing I had to do was to meet with my best friend Alice Bright Light to discuss what had just happened. My departed father-in-law The Reverend Mr. Silas Patriot DoGood, the founder of my Church, The First Church of God’s Love, had just written a startling message on the blackboards of the Sunday school bus during class. He wrote “Julian is a space alien on a mission.”

Alice is an excellent evidentiary medium. She and I had held the séance that brought Silas back from the other side. But Alice doesn’t know how to close the portal so Silas continues to communicate with us.

I called Alice and told her that she had to meet me at the River Creek Inn as soon as possible. I didn’t want to discuss what had just happened with her on the phone. I needed her face to face advice. I knew I couldn’t discuss Silas’s message with my husband who is still furious with me because of his father’s séance.

I called the Inn and made a reservation for us to meet in an hour. I knew they would be very busy on a Sunday. Paul the arrogant parking attendant at the Inn now allows Alice and me to park there even though we both drive trucks. I had complained to the new owner when we were originally refused entrance. You see the new owner prefers only image cars like Rolls-Royces, Bentleys, BMW’s, Audi’s and of course Teslas for those preserving the Earth. He thinks that the right cars in the parking lot from New York City and New Jersey will help him justify his prices.

Since Alice and I usually only drink after dinner liquors and don’t eat dinner there, we do appreciate the new owner’s flexibility. Luckily our favorite booth was available when we got there. Even though it was only three o’clock in the afternoon we ordered Green Chartreuse our favorite after dinner drink.

I had never told Alice about Julian. Although he is certainly worthy of discussion there were always more important world issues to discuss … namely other local gossip. But now was the time. I described this gorgeous twenty year old man who one day just showed up and asked for a job in Streckfus Wedelmeyer’s corn fields. Green eyes, beautiful smile, dimples, blond hair, muscular body and a sexual magnetism that made my daughter Sarah with an H loose thirty pounds to attract him. I noticed him as well.

“’Julian is a space alien on a mission.’ That’s what Silas wrote on all three blackboards. Can we believe Silas? What does this mean? What do we do? Should we talk to Julian? Julian told Sarah with an H that he wants to learn all there is about growing corn. Why?  Should we fear him?”

“I think we should believe Silas because the portal is still open. Silas can see things from the other side. Especially alien things. Interesting. If Julian is a space alien corn must be his mission.”

“How can we find out about him? I asked Julian his last name and he said he didn’t know he needed a last name here. Streckfus is The Corn King and Julian will learn everything about corn. Could he use that knowledge against us?”

Alice fell silent. I looked closely at her face and I understood why people on her Reservation nicknamed her Wolf. Penetrating. Intelligent. Dominating. Loyal. Then after much silence she said “Corn ethanol is fuel! They want our corn for energy.”

“That could hurt us.”

“We have to catch him unawares. With his defenses down. If he didn’t know he needed a last name this must be his first trip. He’s probably naive.  We can surprise him by putting on a play in the Church about an alien who comes to Earth to learn how to grow corn. And closely watch him.”

“You and I will watch him.”

“The play is the thing wherein we’ll catch the conscience of the alien.”


The Reverend Mrs. Silence DoGood

Senior Pastor

Executive Director



Choir Master (part-time)

The First Church of God’s Love